We all feel lonely sometimes. I cleaned my room today, opened the shutters so I can see moon out of my window, turned on the little lights on my mirror, lit up a scented candle, and turned on some chill vibes music. The atmosphere was perfect. But it was not enough. Something still was missing in that moment. Or more like someone.
I do believe that there is someone out there for everyone. We are not meant to walk this life alone. But I also believe that we do not need other people to feel joy, because true completeness comes from God. While fellowship is necessary, only God can provide us with what we truly need. Only He can be enough. So why do I still feel like I am missing something? I crave human touch. I want to look in somebody’s eyes and feel something. I desire a connection that God promised to all people. The problem is not that I want it, but that I want it now.
I’ve been having dreams. So many dreams. Some are scary, some confusing, but some are strong. I wake up crying because even though it might have been a scary dream, I had something there that I do not have here. And the truth is that this world is not really less scary. Truth can be stranger than fiction. But at least in fiction I have someone to go through it with. I like to call those dreams “teasers.” I wonder sometimes why does God, who cares about me so much, let me go through those heartbreaks every time I open my eyes in the morning and realize that none of it was real. Do not get me wrong, I am in no way or form questioning His love for me. I just simply want to know why.
I am an impulsive buyer. I see it, I want it, I get it. It is a flaw of mine. I try not to let that flaw translate into my romantic life. Currently I want it even though I do not see it. My standards might be high but I do not believe I should settle for anything less than what God has planned for my life. Although sometimes I really want to settle. It seems like some kind of a man is better than no man. I hate that. I hate feeling desperate. I would hate if a guy dated me out of desperation. So why would I ever treat someone else this way? I won’t. That is why I am sitting in a clean room, lit with candles and fairy light, listening to chill vibes music… all alone.
Alina's Blog 